


Sharing the burden.

by archiveofmyveryown



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Blood and Injury, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Cutting, Depression, Father-Son Relationship, Past Abuse, Post-Sirius Black's Death, Recovery, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Severitus | Severus Snape is Harry Potter's Parent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:27:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27631378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archiveofmyveryown/pseuds/archiveofmyveryown
Summary: Harry relapses with self harm after his godfather's death. Wanting to keep it secret, yet sharing it instead.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 87





	Sharing the burden.

**Author's Note:**

> This story contains someone self-harming, so if you're easily triggered please don't read this.

_“All I can say is that I’m sorry  
I know it breaks your heart  
And that you’re full of worry  
To see me fall apart  
Yet I hope you’ll celebrate  
This important day  
To help support some of the weight  
That I’ve carried along the way” ___

____

It was like electricity going through his whole body. The urge. It needed an outlet. Normally the urge wasn’t this bad, but ever since Sirius went through the veil he just could not ignore it. It should have been him. He is the one who should have died, Sirius was never even supposed to be at the ministry if Harry wasn’t stupid enough to fall in Voldemort’s trap. How could he be so stupid? He should have known. 

Trying not to cut, felt like he couldn’t breathe any air. He knew he shouldn’t, but it felt so deserved. So not even trying to resist he listened, he took out his shaving blade that he stashed away for emergency in one of his old socks in his trunk and went to the bathroom opposite the hall of his bedroom in Spinner’s end. It was a routine he knew well. 

Not even thinking about having to hide the wounds he rolled up his sleeves and sat on the ground in the corner technically sitting in the shower. The bathroom was quite small, the whole house was kind of small, but ever since living here in the summer after his first year it felt more like home than Privet Drive number 4 ever did. 

Knowing that his dad was brewing downstairs, he had enough time before dinner. His dad couldn’t know that he still self-harmed, he was under the impression that Harry had stopped. He would be devastated if he knew that he didn’t go to him instead and he just couldn’t go to him, it wouldn’t help. It wouldn’t get rid of this awful feeling inside of him. He needed relief, he needed to breathe. 

So without thinking about the consequences he got the blade in his right hand and took it to the inner side of his left arm. He made his first cut, after a second or so there were all these tiny drops of blood. Feeling like it wasn’t enough he made another immediately after. His self-hatred got the better of him and it slashed through his skin, seeing the cut deeper than the previous one he finally felt the relief going through him. This felt good, this is the reason why he did it. 

The wound gaped open a little, it scared him just a tiny bit, this was deeper than he ever has gone before. But if felt right, it felt deserved. So he kept going. After having made 9 cuts on his arm he considered them, they were all different sizes. Deeper than the first one, yet not as deep as the second. Thinking that he should cut just one more time to get 10 cuts, he got all his anger towards himself to the forefront of his mind. He deserved this. Cutting without feeling scared, without thinking, he sliced through his skin one last time. 

And then someone knocked on the bathroom door. “Shit.” He whispered. He looked down and saw to his surprise that the last cut he made definitely needed medical attention. It was gaping open, even more so than the second cut. He was proud of it in a kind of sick way. He knew it was wrong, he knew it wasn’t normal, but he had always been a freak. It wasn’t that big of a deal. 

“Harry, are you in there?” Came his dad’s voice from the other side of the door shaking him out of his blissful trance. Knowing that he probably lost time if his dad was already done brewing, and coming to get him for dinner. He was in so much trouble if his dad found this out. Why did he had to be this stupid? Why couldn’t he have just been strong? But also knowing that it was a lost cause, even if he had tried, he wouldn’t have been able to resist. 

“Er yes I’m here, I’ll be right out.” He shouted out, with a shaking voice. He just hoped his dad wouldn’t notice. 

“Are you alright?” Of course his dad would notice. What was he even thinking, his dad was Severus Snape for Merlin’s sake. 

“Yes I’m fine!” Came his lie. He was so fucked. If his dad found out, he would be in so much trouble. He was already always worried about him, he couldn’t let his dad worry even more. Even if it was probably justifiable. He just wasn’t worth the trouble. His dad shouldn’t have to worry about his fucked up brain. 

“Very well, I’ll be waiting downstairs for you, hurry up.” Came his father’s reply. Listening to the retreating footsteps he got up and started to hurriedly clean up. Grabbing some toilet paper he cleaned of the blood on his arm. He probably went a little overboard seeing all the cuts, they were more severe than ever. They would definitely scar. Seeing how it was on his arm and it was summer he didn’t know how he was planning to hide this. He panicked. “Shit, shit, shit. What do I do? What do I do?.” Whispering over and over. 

Flushing the bloodied tissues and cleaning the remaining blood that had dripped on the floor, he bandaged his arm. He was lucky that his dad still had some muggle things in the house, seeing how his dad had mostly changed it ever since he adopted Harry. Spinner’s end looked so much homier than it had the first summer after his first year he had lived here. His dad had really tried to make it a home instead of just a house. He appreciated it very much and he knew that his dad preferred it like this too. 

Looking over the bathroom one more time and taking his blade with him he went to his bedroom and put it away. His dad knew he had it, Harry was grateful that his dad didn’t take his blade away or didn’t make him promise not to cut. He lowered his sleeve and hoped for the best, he hopped downstairs, wanting to seem more energetic than he felt. His arm hurt, he couldn’t lift it without it hurting. Smelling the food before seeing it he opened the door to the kitchen and stepped in. The table was already set. 

“There you are.” His dad looked suspiciously at him, as if he already knew what took him that long. He swallowed and tried to come up with something believable, but came up empty. Trying to avoid looking into his eyes he sat down. He knew that his dad wouldn’t use legilimency on him without permission, but still avoiding his eyes. He felt ashamed. 

The meal was one of the more awkward ones, it felt like the dinner times when he first started living with his dad. When he still called him Severus or even sometimes professor and sir. Like everything he did was somehow wrong, just like it had been at the Dursley’s. He knew even then that it was something because of his abuse and not a real fear, seeing how he had been treated by his head of house in his first year at Hogwarts. He never gave him reason to feel scared. Still it was something ingrained, still coming out occasionally. 

The entire time he looked everywhere but at his dad. He ate slowly so every time his dad tried to talk his mouth was full making conversation almost impossible. He was glad it seemed to work. So when they were finally finished he asked to be excused. He knew it couldn’t have been that easy with Severus Snape as his dad, but still a boy could dream. 

“You’re definitely not excused, I sense that you’re hiding something and I’m not trying to be the bad guy here. As your father I am here to help, so whatever that’s on your mind you can tell me.” His dad stood up. After a couple seconds looking down at Harry, waiting, he breathed in deeply. “Milly?” His dad’s personal house-elf from Hogwarts popped in. “Could you clean this up, it would be very appreciated.” 

“Yes sir, it will be done. Do you need anything else sir?” Milly asked. She was about the same size as dobby and wore a clean tea towel. Harry had sat down with her when he first lived here to teach her the correct way to speak, because he couldn’t go flying. He feels like she’s the only house-elf that could talk back to the Potion Master and he wouldn’t get annoyed. It was always really funny to see.

“Yes Milly, could you prepare us some tea?” 

“Of course, I will bring it to you in the sitting room after I’m all done” She looked pointedly at Harry with her bright blue eyes. He questioned if this conversation that he was sure would be coming was already planned. 

“Thank you Milly.” He bowed a little at the house elf. Then turned to Harry, raising one of his eyebrows. “Shall we go to the sitting room?” He nodded and walked out of the kitchen into the living room. He roved his eyes over all the books in the room, anything other than his dad. He felt nervous all over and he began fidgeting with his fingers. At his dad’s cough he sat down on the couch, his father sitting on his favourite reading chair opposite him. He didn’t know what to do with his left arm, every movement hurt and he didn’t want it to show on his face. 

The moment was quite tense when Milly popped in and set the tray down on the table and went away again without waiting to be thanked. His dad seemed to be waiting on him to begin. He knew it was a lost cause, his dad would find out about his arm anyway, there was no doubt about that. So he took a deep breath. “Okay, so… I messed up.” Looking down at his hands. He felt tears in his eyes and his throat felt like it had a stone wedged in it. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, feeling defeated. 

“Harry. You don’t have to be sorry, son. You’ve been through a lot. Recovery is not linear, didn’t I tell you that?” He could hear the understanding tone of his father, but was still afraid of disappointing him, so he didn’t dare look up. “Harry?” His dad asked, standing up and sitting down next to him. “yeah?” He finally looked up and let his tears fall. 

“Oh darling, I’m proud of you. I will always love you.” He could see tears in his dad’s eyes and he felt horrible about making his dad sad. “I’m still sorry though.” He mumbled embracing his dad. He put his arms around Harry and he felt warm and very loved. His dad chuckled. “I know you are.” That made him smile a bit. He already felt much better, he should have went to his dad in the first place before relapsing. 

“Let me see, I’ll take care of it.” Putting his hands on his shoulder and looking over at him which made his cheek redden. “It’s worse than the last time, dad.” He whispered looking down and putting his hands in his lap, which made him flinch from the pain. “I see. It’s not your fault, it’s an addiction, one that’s very hard to beat. And you’ve already made a lot of progress, this won’t change that.” His dad kissed him on the forehead. “You’re not mad?” He asked his dad self-consciously. 

“Well I won’t lie, I wish you had first gone to me for help. But I also know that that’s still hard, we’ll work on it. Together. You won’t have to do it alone.” His dad’s speech made him cry a bit. “Okay. Yeah, I should have gone to you, I know. I will next time.” He looked up again and saw his dad give him a small smile, which he returned. “Then that’s all I can ask of you. Now let’s take care of it, okay?” 

Harry nodded and lifted up his sleeve. He let his dad do the rest while he silently let his tears fall. He took the bandage off and didn’t even flinch at the sight even though he knew his dad was shocked. He was probably occluding to take the best care of him, which made him feel all kinds of emotions. His dad worked meticulously and fast, casting a healing charm and then accio-ed his best scar ointment to get rid of the scars that would be there if he didn’t. All the cuts on his left arm now looked like week old scars. 

“There. All done.” Banishing the ointment back to his potions cupboard. His dad lowered his sleeve and hugged his son. “Now let us drink some tea and then you can go to bed. We’ll talk about how we will go from here tomorrow, okay?” He nodded relief flooding over him by the statement of his father, he didn’t have to do this alone. Of course he knew that already, but it was nice to hear it again. His dad warmed our cups of tea, because it had gotten cold and gave him his mug. Exhausted he slowly drank his tea. It was mint tea with a teaspoon of honey, his favourite. 

When they were ready with their tea, they both went up to Harry’s bedroom. “Put on your pyjamas and don’t forget to wash your teeth.” Acknowledging him, his dad then left the room. He was just crawling in his bed when his dad came back in with a vial of purple dreamless sleep potion. He sat on Harry’s bed and gave him the vial. “Thanks dad.” He smiled and took out the stopper and drank it all. His dad took the vial out of his fingers and put it down on his bedside table beside his glasses. He kissed Harry’s forehead. 

“Goodnight Harry.”

“Goodnight dad, I love you.”

“I love you too, darling.”

And before he knew it he was fast asleep, knowing he was loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading. Self-harm is something I still struggle with and I wanted to show that you don't have to hide it. You don't have to keep it all to yourself. Recovery definitely isn’t linear and it’s a long road ahead. But with people that support you it’s much easier. You should just take the first step of trusting the people around you to give them a chance to support you.


End file.
